I didn’t know if I should write this post, but I had one of those I hate Autism nights last night. I usually embrace everything about Jamie and would never change her for the world, but last night I felt so sorry for her and would have done anything to make her feel better.
No idea why but recently she has started leaking really early on in the night. She often leaks but we don’t normally know until the morning, so we just shower her and strip the bed and that’s fine. But all this week she has leaked almost as soon as going to bed and it has caused no end of meltdowns. She wont get up and tell me, or shout to tell me she has done it, she sits in it gradually getting more and more upset until I hear her and find out what has happened.
Last night was the worst so far. She didn’t wake until around 2am, well that was when I woke up, she was probably chuntering to herself for a lot longer than that. When I went in she was wet, so I cleaned her up, stripped the bed, made the bed and settled her back down. I kept hearing her screaming so I went into bed with her, she was not happy with this but I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her as she was (she has self harmed in the past and this scares me). So she hated me, I was the worst mum ever, got kicked, hit etc, she wanted me out of her room. Hubby took over and took her downstairs, this made her worse. So I took over again and we went back into her bed, this time she was happy for me to sleep with her because the dog had joined us. This is when I started to get upset, she used to have regular vocal ticks when she was anxious, but since she left her mainstream school these have got less and less, but last night they were out in force. She also told me she was having anxiety attacks? She would stiffen up and shake and then afterwards she said she couldn’t stop it but she was anxious and that was “one of her anxiety attacks”. This went on for a few hours, but she wouldn’t let me touch her or anything so I could only be near her. Eventually I coaxed her onto her IPod and she was fine but the whole night I found myself thinking “I HATE AUTISM”.